ESPN decided to make their graphic designers work overtime and jazz up their website’s player bios. Problem is, no matter how many gradients and visual effects you throw around some players, you still can’t mask their horrible head shots. For your viewing pleasure, we’ve gone through every single MLB head shot that ESPN posts online and found the 25 worst (best?). We’ve also taken the liberty of naming their stupid poses (if you can call them that).
Check out our laughably unphotogenic list after the jump.
25. The “Cousin Itt”
24. The “Nerd”
I looked at every head shot ESPN has and based on photo alone, Eric Sogard is the biggest tool. Congrats, Eric.
23. The “Sloth from Goonies”
I mean, I really don’t need to say anything else here. Freddie could be a stand-in if they ever make Goonies 2. It’s a good thing, because he can’t hit. 21 people “liked” this photo?????
22. The “Unh Unh, Girlfriend”
The cameraman just said, “Sriracha hot sauce sucks” and snapped the photo. This is Jhonny’s natural reaction.
21. The “50% chance I pass my drug test”
We have our first tie! Who knew Youk blazed? He might wanna lay off the sticky icky if he plans on raising that .148 batting average any time soon.
20. The “Brace face”
Another terrible look with 2 prime examples. I find it pretty crazy that there are TWO 27-year old men in the MLB with braces.
19. The “Snozzberries taste like snozzberries!”
In case you are clueless, here’s the video.
18. The “stubbly giraffe bird”
Good god, man. What the fuck? Only valid excuse for this photo is that your father is Koy Detmer and your mother is an ostrich.
17. The “I can’t believe you woke me up for this”
Something tells me Chris doesn’t play up to his full potential…
16. The “I look just like Nurse Jackie’s husband… oh, and I’m humming”
15. The “Chris Sabo”
Really, guys? Are those Rec-Specs glued to your face? You couldn’t remove them for the head shot? Ever hear of contacts? So many questions.
14. The “your production assistant in the background’s tits are so big that I can’t possibly look at the camera while she’s in the room”
What else could he possibly be looking at and still be that happy?
13. The “hypnotist”
If you look at this picture for longer than 5 seconds, you are going to wake up naked, standing on your desk with no recollection of the last 10 minutes. We dare you to try it.
12.The “Dead tooth”
Look, we understand that people can’t help it if they have a dead tooth, but they can help it if they choose to smile with their teeth showing.
11. The “man groomer”
Someone please steal Geovany’s clippers and eyebrow tweezers before this goes too far! Apparently, Soto is married… to a girl. I want proof.
10. The “nigg@, what you mean my eyes is too far apart?”
You know it’s true.
9. The “Holy fuck! Your eyes are two different colors, freak!”
Lucifer, you and Kate Bosworth should make babies and see if you can reverse the curse. Devil man!
8. The “retarded deer in headlights”
“College: None” — shocker…
7. The “your wife just filed for divorce and wants half your shit”
Shocked? Terrified? Disgusted? Constipated? Frozen? Your guess is as good as ours.
6. The “1973 Throwback”
Brian needs a nickname like “Goose” or “Lefty” — he’s a true throwback. There’s no way that Tallet is only 33. If you showed me this picture and told me he was a 59-year old manager, I’d believe you without question.
5. The “I banged a dozen children in the offseason”
Back-to-back mustaches! Problem is, this one will land you on the “Registered Sex Offender” list.
4. The “I have Rabies”
Fun fact of the day: Anthony Ortega has 17 pet raccoons.
3. The “Soopid Royals. In Messico I sell burro. I no play beesbol.”
This one is by far my favorite head shot. I’m buying a Jesse Chavez jersey. (And, yes, we know his profile says he’s from California. No effing way.)
2. The “what you mean my dog died” aka “I pooped my pants the exact second you pressed the flash”
The MLB can’t afford a re-shoot?
1. The Marla Hooch
Brett’s the loser because he’s the winner. Brett, we suggest you take a year off, regroup, and come back in 2012 with a new pose. The “Marla Hooch” isn’t working for you.