Last year, ESPN decided to make their graphic designers work overtime and jazz up their website’s player bios. Naturally, we decided to go through every single MLB head shot on ESPN.com and find the 25 worst (best?). We also took the liberty of naming their stupid poses (if you can call them that). It turned out to be one of our most successful blog entries to date (here’s last year’s article), and have recently received a number of requests to bring back the article with this year’s players. Your wish is our command.
Bear in mind that the sequel is never as good as the original (unless we are talking the Harold and Kumar Go To White Castle movies). Also, there were a number of players who did not get new head shots from 2011. In those instances, we disqualified them from being ranked in this year’s contest. It’s a shame, because Rafael Perez or Brett Wallace could have taken the whole thing.
So without further adieu, check out our laughably, unphotogenic 2012 list after the jump.
BONUS: The “Austin Powers 4: Gold Fangs”
While we wanted to keep the list to 25, we couldn’t not put this in. Cespedes was clearly hood-rich in Cuba. He has 2 gold teeth and they are his incisors. We can’t wait to see what Cespedes does with that $36M that Oakland just gave him.
PS – that is an amazing hickey Yoenis has amassed.
25. The “Human Furby Doll”
Munenori might have a legitimate case against the Furby people for use of likeness.
24. The “Most Likely to be Cast as ‘The Hobbit’”
John “Bilbo” Baker. When I look at this picture, I can hear the magical recorders being played from the enchanted forest.
23. The “These Pot Brownies are Awesome…”
We are going to go ahead and assume that a Phish concert coincided with the Royals Spring Training.
22. The “Jesse Pinkman”
If you don’t watch Breaking Bad, you dumb. That show rules. Regardless, here’s Zack Grienke on meth.
21. The “Remember when we all played the lottery last week and you said you were gonna pass? Well, we won.”
Sad. Confused. Scared. Concerned. Embarrassed… Steve is a multi-tasker.
20. The “I’m Sad Because I Ran Out of Candy for my Windowless Van”
Yeah, we went there. You creepy, Broxton.
19. The “No One Thinks Tyler’s Not on Ecstasy, Right?”
Not a single one of you. I knew it.
18. The “Reverse Kid N Play”
That shit is just gross, Dillon. Seriously. Do you want to ever get ass again?
17. The “I can’t believe you woke me up for this” (2012 version)
Much like Chris Archer from last year’s list, something tells me Yamaico doesn’t play up to his full potential…
16. The “To Catch a Predator”
Where’s Chris Hansen when you need him? Holland totes chills with Broxton in the offseason. I think it’s safe to say that unless you are over the age of 40, white dudes should not rock mustaches.
15. The “Are you Voting for Obama this Year?”
This was Tim’s natural reaction to the question. AND HE’S FROM OBAMA’S HOME STATE OF ILLINOIS! (although Tim tells us Obama’s from Muslim-land).
14. The “Taco Bell Just Released a New 8 Layer Dip”
Mike’s been waiting for this moment his whole life.
13. The “Just Got Off the Set of Walking Dead”
12.The “Pat Burrell Just Banged Your Fiance in the Bathroom”
I legitimately feel bad for Brent, and I’ve never even met his fiancé. We all get Burrell-ed, Brent. It’s just how life works.
11. The “I Don’t Understand the Question, so I’m just gonna half-smile and chuckle”
We’re guessing Daniel may have struggled with his SATs…
10. The “You Are NOT the Father”
Jose had no doubt. This.
9. The “My Face Looks Like a Fart Sounds”
Alexi’s face literally looks like one of those bad wax sculptures at Madame Tussauds in Times Square.
8. The “I Hope No One Realizes I Left My Laptop at Birdman’s House…”
Rut roh. Shelley actually looks like a clean-cut version of Chris Andersen. Better lawyer-up, Shells.
7. The “Thumb-Head”
We are as confused as Nick is in this picture. Why are your ears taped to the side of you head? Where is your jaw line? Who flattened your nose? I guess what we are asking is: why does your whole head resemble a thumb or big toe?
6. The “Oh no he d’in’t girlfriend! Then what he say?”
“That baby got Rayshawn’s hair. Ain’t no way that child his.”
“He got some nerve comin’ up in here with that… unh unh.”
5. The “I kissed a girl, and I liked it”
And we have our first virgin on the list! Poor Joe only has 1 “Like,” and I think it’s safe to say that we all know that he “liked” himself… See what I did there?
4. The “Ooohweee, child!”
Nyjer Morgan’s grandmother was clearly walking behind the photographer with a freshly-baked pecan pie.
3. The “I’m Still Bummed I Wasn’t Nominated for My Performance in The Blindside and the girl I’m banging just told me she has herpes”
I think we summed it up with the name of the pose… Double whammy.
2. The “Is that a Clit or a Penis?”
Miguel’s just not sure… And we’re not so sure he discriminates.
1. The “That Guy you reeeeeally hope you never get stuck in a conversation with at the company Christmas party”
That creepy, blank optimism is just staring through my soul. STOP TELLING ME HOW AMAZING THE EGG NOG IS, JAMEY! I DON’T CARE!